Self-Image and the Pecking Order

In any society in the higher-level animal kingdom, there is a natural hierarchy among the members, based on ability, skills, personality and (sorry, but it's true) gender. Because the phenomenon was first observed and studied in birds, it is often termed the pecking order.

It works like this. In the world of chickens, a bird pecks at any other bird to demonstrate dominance. In any group of, say, five chickens, there is one chicken who can peck at any other chicken, and the other will give in. This is the Number One chicken. There is another chicken who can freely peck at the three other chickens, but not Number One, because Number One will retailate. This is the Number Two chicken. Of course, there is one poor chicken, Number Five, that is pecked at by all the other chickens, has no other chicken to peck at, and is the bottom of the social scale.

Unfortunately, this concept rears its ugly head in human relations. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It just exists. On a basketball team, the weaker players feed the ball to the stronger players, and the team benefits. (It is up to the coaches and the stronger players to find the places where the weaker players can contribute their part, or the team becomes lopsided, loses cohesion, and ultimately fails.)

The problem with the pecking order is when it achieves exaggerated importance in the society, and especially in the individual’s self-image.

For example, in my PE classes, I play most games with homogeneous teams: some strong, some weak players on each team. However, I sometimes line the students up before dividing into teams and say, “Stronger players at this end of the line, weaker at that end, middles in the middle.”

Some people will be horrified at this, saying that it makes the weaker players feel inferior, and inflates the egos of the stronger players, and yada yada yada. However, I have always found that the children cheerfully, and mostly accurately, group themselves in the appropriate groups, because they know that they will be playing against others at their own ability level.

Note that this isn’t a social pecking order. It is a ranking by ability, and it is being used for practical purposes, not power purposes, and everybody benefits. The problems, especially in PE class, come when people get ranking by ability mixed up with social dominance.

Also, in this case they get to place themselves. If one of the middle players wants to work with the good players, he could put himself up near that end of the line. I sometimes move people “up” the line to challenge them, if I think they placed themselves with a weaker group (usually for social reasons).

The real problem comes when the pecking order gains too much importance in the self-image of the individual. It works like this:

Let’s say Mary is a very pretty little girl. She is always praised for being pretty. When she is young, Mary doesn’t know what pretty is. All she knows is that Mummy and Daddy think it’s wonderful when she…well, she isn't really sure. Since parental approval has great importance in any child’s life, Mary spends a great deal of effort figuring out what makes Mummy and Daddy so happy. She soon learns that if she is well-dressed and neat, and acts cute, they make a fuss over her. So she acts that way more and more.

However, as she grows up, she needs to develop her own self image. She needs to find ways of being proud of herself, not because of what Mummy and Daddy say, but because of what she knows herself as good and bad, right and wrong. If she is allowed to pass through this stage, still looking to Mummy and Daddy to tell her what is good, right, and pretty, she comes to depend on other people’s opinions too much, and have a lack in her own personal self -image.

This dependence on others for self-concept can lead to real problems. Because the child doesn’t really know what she did to achieve approval, as soon as another child shows up, she doesn’t know how to deal with that other child. She doesn’t know what the rules are, she can only see that other child as competition, in a game where she isn’t sure of the means to succeed. This creates an uncertain situation, and the other child is seen as the reason for the uncertainty. If Mary can find a way to demonstrate her superiority over the other child, then she feels better. So she spends her energy finding ways to demonstrate superiority over the other child. As she expands her social circle, she continues to learn how to exert dominance. She has discovered the pecking order.

Incidentally, when she thinks she’s too old to look to Mummy and Daddy for advice, she looks to her friends and to what she sees on TV, and what do we have? Presto! The teen fashion industry.

Another child, let’s call her Jane, who has developed her self-concept based on her own knowledge and abilities, will see other children differently. If placed with another child, she doesn't automatically see competition. If she does want adult attention, she knows what she can do. If she knows she had athletic ability, she will do athletic things. If she has learned that cooperation is good, she will try to cooperate with the other child. Poor Mary! All she can do is look pretty. Next thing you know, Mary will be pushing in front of Jane, perhaps roughly, so everyone can look at her. Then Mary gets in trouble, and she really doesn't know what's going on.

I do not explain any of this to children. However I do explain the pecking order. This is the part that really strikes a chord with the 9- to 12-year-olds.

The problem for a person who bases his self-concept on his place in the pecking order is that, like the chicken, he has to worry about maintaining it. He has to fight for his place, and, if everyone is like him, he has to realize that there is always a bunch below him fighting for his spot.

Face it, the bird who sits atop the pecking order is not a happy bird. He’s a bird always looking over his shoulder to see who is going to try to peck him off.

I get students to discuss how the pecking order works with friends. In general, people who are friends concern themselves very little with the pecking order. They have, through association, decided on what the order is, and they proceed to ignore it. Friends are comfortable with each other, because there is no social jostling. In fact, the pecking order between friends may reverse, depending on the activity. One may be braver, another may be more academic, another may be more athletic. Depending on the situation, a different person may be the leader at any different time. Even friends who have a strong imbalance, with one always being the acknowledged leader, are comfortable with each other, because they don’t have to be worrying about their places.

This is why three often becomes a crowd. It is easy to set a pecking order with two people. When you have three, the dynamics are three times as complicated. Not only are there more relationships to consider, but the possibility of using the power of the third person to swing against the other makes the pecking order more difficult to balance.

Psychologist Alfred Adler made some interesting observations about the pecking order in families. He postulated that the position in the family, relative to the other siblings, is so ingrained at an early age, that it shades the person’s social interactions for his whole life. An older child, who has grown up being the leader, will always be the leader, and does not feel comfortable if he is not the leader. The younger child, who has been the follower all his life, is happy being the follower, and will not fight so hard to become the leader. Don’t even ask about the middle child.

Again, this is not stuff you discuss with a nine-year-old. It’s enough for him to realize that, in some cases, people are doing things that make them feel more important than other people, and that usually this isn’t the best way for people to get along.

Also, when dealing with social bullies, bringing their tricks out in the open is a sure way to neutralize them. If you watch social bullies at work, you see that they are very aware that their manipulations are wrong, and they try to disguise their true motivation for what they are doing. A discussion of the pecking order makes them realize that they can't get away with this.

Next post: The Pecking Order and Being Cool

Creating a Positive Self-Image

To review from my last post: without the extra details, that post said two things:

1. From birth, our self-image is developed through the way the world reacts to our actions, and our interpretation of those reactions.
2. A healthy maturing process allows independence and self-control over the individual's self-image.

So how do we raise children with a positive self-image?

The answer is in the second statement above. The trick is to find ways to allow the child to realize his own strengths and accept his own weaknesses.

The problem over the last 30 years or so is that people bought into the idea that a positive self-image could be created by praise alone, and that any criticism at all would destroy the positive self-image. This trend, combined with the natural desire of parents for their children to be perfect, has led to a group of children in our population who have not developed a mature self-esteem, and only know how to feel in control of their lives through bullying, drugs, self-mutilation, and eating disorders.

A few years ago, I attended a “motivational speaker”, who was entertaining a group of teachers. He was expounding his pet theory that everyone needed acceptance, and his solution to this problem was that any of us, at any time, should be able to stand up and say “I want acceptance.” and everyone in the room would then give this person a generous round of applause.

As he expounded this idea, I looked around at my fellow teachers. Many were just shaking their heads. When, a few minutes later, a gung-ho type jumped up and shouted, “I want acceptance,” there was dutiful applause, but more headshaking, and not a few grins.

What the teachers on the front line intuitively underestand is that praise which has not been earned is empty, and can even be destructive. They also realize that "acceptance" and "praise" are not the same thing.

The problem with unearned praise is this: it trains the child to look to others for a sense of accomplishment. The difficulty for the child is that he doesn’t know what he has done to earn the praise. So if he needs more praise, he doesn’t know what to do.

For example, a young child comes to you with a piece of art work, and you say “Wow, that is beautiful!” Unless it really is beautiful, you are doing the child no favours. All you are doing is demonstrating a lack of parenting skills.

In fact, if you consider that the child has brought the picture to you for some kind of judgment, you have already made your first mistake. The child should not be coming to you for approval, especially the kind of empty approval that an insincere response provides.

You might say “Wow, you worked really hard on that,” but only if you know the child did work hard on it. The problem for the parent, here, is that if you are to answer correctly, you have to have some knowledge of what the child has been doing. If the child worked for 15 minutes, or 5 minutes, you have to know it. If the work is better (or worse) than the child’s usual work, you should know. This, unfortunately, requires a certain amount of time and effort, and paying some attention to what your child is doing.

If your child comes to you with a picture, and you have no idea how much time and effort he put into it, then you have to be really careful what you say. You are better to ask him a question, and discuss the picture with him. It is not necessary to give a judgment, but there is nothing wrong with a judgment, if you know what you’re talking about.

So the child brings you a picture. If you don’t know what to say, tell him what you see. If you don’t know what something is, don’t be afraid to ask. It’s not going to crush his little ego permanently if you don’t recognize the squirrel as a squirrel. In fact, getting the child to talk about what’s in the picture is a good way of getting off the hook.

The point here is that the child can receive acceptance for his art work in many different ways. Your willingness to talk about the work is acceptance. You are giving the child your time and attention, which is what he really needs. You don’t have to tell him it’s wonderful, even if it is, and especially if it’s not. If you want to help him draw better, this is the time for a quick lesson. Make sure he knows something he can do to improve the picture, and make it something of which he is capable. Then, the next time he brings it to you, don't tell him what you think. Ask him if he thinks he achieved the improvement you discussed before. Ask him why. Then give him some more pointers, where he can go next.

The basic principle is this: If you want to create an independent, strong, child, with healthy self-esteem, set criteria the child can understand, give him accurate feedback on his accomplishments, and don’t praise him when he doesn’t deserve it.

If all this “criteria” and “feedback” stuff sounds overly academic, and you’re saying, ‘then when do I find a place to praise my child?” you have asked the right question. It takes some effort, and it takes some attention, but if you are there and watching, it is not hard to find a point where the child has done something worthy of praise. Remember the old teachers’ motto, “Catch them being good”. How often you praise depends on the child, but be sure it is deserved.

By the way, if you notice that a child seems to need praise a lot, be careful. Even if it is earned, an unusual need for praise shows dependence. Go back to the “what do you think?” response, to focus on the work, not the praiser.

Next posting: Self-Image and the Pecking Order

Developing a Self-image

From the Start

As a starting point for our discussion, let us look at the changing self-image of the developing child. His first discovery, when he is a few months old, is that his mother is something different from himself. He soon realizes that there are a whole lot of other people as well.

At about two years, he realizes that individuals have different agendas, and he can have his own. Hopefully, he soon learns that people cope with conflicting agendas by cooperation.

Around age five or six, he figures out that, just as he is starting to have opinions about others, the others must have opinions about him. It is not unusual to have a five-year-old who can stand up in front of an audience of strangers at a Speech Arts festival, and speak a poem comfortably. Come back the next year, and at the age of six the child is suddenly too shy to stand in front of the audience. During that year, this child has realized that he is a separate unit, and that all those other people are separate units as well, and that their ideas may differ from his. Some of them may even be critical of what he does.

Then, around age ten, he starts to notice the norms of social interaction, and see how his own experience matches. It is around this age that sexually abused children suddenly show behaviour changes. Before this, they did not understand what was happening to them, and they were not aware that their lives were abnormal. Once they become aware of social condemnation, they become more upset by their situation.

And all this time, the child is slowly forming an image of himself. How this image develops is one of the strongest factors influencing the rest of his life.

There is one basic way an organism, from a tadpole to a human, learns (if a tadpole can learn, and, having been a teacher, I'm not sure about some humans). The individual performs an action. It receives a response. It remembers that response, and adapts future actions because of that memory.

The self-image is developed through this learning process, over the child’s (and adult’s) life. Given the complexities of the human brain and society, there are three ways a child develops his self-image:
1. from the results of his actions, as described above,
2. from the reaction of those around him to his actions, which is simply the social side of the procedure mentioned above, and
3. from his understanding and interpretation of his own actions and accomplishments, which modify his perceptions of the world.

A simple example to illustrate how all three work together to develop self-image:

A child is goal keeper in a soccer game. The ball is kicked towards the goal. He grabs for the ball, and takes a hard blow to the solar plexus.

A child is playing with his soccer ball. A bully comes to take it away. The child tries to grab the ball, and the bully punches him, hard, in the solar plexus.

In both these instances, the child’s motivation for his action is the same, the resulting pain is the same. However, the result to his self-esteem is dramatically different, because of his perception of the situation.

You can imagine, in the first instance, the child lies there a moment, winded, holding the ball. The team responds with concern and admiration. The child, noting their support and his success, jumps to his feet, ready to play again. His self-image, due to both the reaction of his peers and his knowledge of his success, has been bolstered, in spite of the painful experience. The next time the ball comes near, the goalie will dive even harder, and thus become a better goal keeper, achieve more success in his own eyes and that of his peers, and thus become an even better goal keeper, and the spiral goes upwards.

In the second instance, the child lies on the ground, winded, without the ball. The other children look on silently in fear and pity. The child begins to cry, from the pain and the loss of the ball. His self-image, due to the pain and the reaction of the others, has been dealt a severe blow. The next time, the child will avoid the bully, and perhaps the other children. The child will give in more easily to the bully, and feel badly about it. He will perhaps learn that the only way to achieve power over the other children is to bully them, although he knows that this is wrong, so he feels badly, and the spiral goes down.

In both examples, the child’s interpretation of his action is influenced by the resulting feeling(in both cases pain), the reaction of his peers, and his interpretation of the success of his action. As he grows older, he will also develop a sense of the fairness of the situation, which is one of the strongest influences in later development of the self-image. Ask any parent of a teenager.

Independence and Maturity

It stands to reason that the younger a child is, the less independent in action and thought he will be. The development of an individual, independent self-image is intricately involved with the maturing process. The maturing process is a process of gradually gaining independence, through making choices, noting the results of those choices, including the reactions of others, and then deciding how to integrate that information into further decisions.

Healthy maturing is a process of slowly taking more and more control of our self-image, and the ways to develop and nurture it, and depending less and less on the reactions of others to influence our actions and how we feel about ourselves. And here is the nub of the problem.

Dependency and Immaturity

If the adults around him conspire to keep a child dependent on the opinions of parents and teachers, this delays that child’s control of his own self-image, and impedes his maturity. In severe cases, this can damage the child’s self-image to the point where it will never truly mature.

Which explains why we have so much childish behaviour in the adult population. Take a drive through the streets of any city during rush hour.

It is my premise that a self-image that is too strongly affected by others is a poorly-developed self-image. To create a healthy self-image, the child must be allowed the freedom to make choices and accept the consequences. This is a scary thought for many adults, especially the controlling ones, who are afraid to allow the child to make a mistake.

I recall one poor woman. I’m sure you know the type. She was always dressed perfectly, with impeccable makeup, not a hair out of place. She managed to get through a day working with children, without ever getting mussed or dirty. She once confided in me that she was so concerned with this perfection, that it affected the way she raised her family. She was so anxious that her children be perfect, she would ignore anything they did that was wrong. It certainly seemed not to be working. When one of her children ran seriously afoul of the law, nobody at the school was surprised. The sad part of it was that she was intelligent enough to know she was wrong, but her own self-image was so concerned with looking good, with seeming perfect to other people, that she couldn’t do anything about it.

By praising her looks and grooming, someone had made her too concerned with other people’s opinions. By ignoring her childrens’ bad behaviour, she was, in essence, praising it, and so it continued. By controlling her children, she did not allow them to mature, and so they made bad choices.

In my next posting, I will talk about creating a positive self-image.