Creating a Positive Self-Image

To review from my last post: without the extra details, that post said two things:

1. From birth, our self-image is developed through the way the world reacts to our actions, and our interpretation of those reactions.
2. A healthy maturing process allows independence and self-control over the individual's self-image.

So how do we raise children with a positive self-image?

The answer is in the second statement above. The trick is to find ways to allow the child to realize his own strengths and accept his own weaknesses.

The problem over the last 30 years or so is that people bought into the idea that a positive self-image could be created by praise alone, and that any criticism at all would destroy the positive self-image. This trend, combined with the natural desire of parents for their children to be perfect, has led to a group of children in our population who have not developed a mature self-esteem, and only know how to feel in control of their lives through bullying, drugs, self-mutilation, and eating disorders.

A few years ago, I attended a “motivational speaker”, who was entertaining a group of teachers. He was expounding his pet theory that everyone needed acceptance, and his solution to this problem was that any of us, at any time, should be able to stand up and say “I want acceptance.” and everyone in the room would then give this person a generous round of applause.

As he expounded this idea, I looked around at my fellow teachers. Many were just shaking their heads. When, a few minutes later, a gung-ho type jumped up and shouted, “I want acceptance,” there was dutiful applause, but more headshaking, and not a few grins.

What the teachers on the front line intuitively underestand is that praise which has not been earned is empty, and can even be destructive. They also realize that "acceptance" and "praise" are not the same thing.

The problem with unearned praise is this: it trains the child to look to others for a sense of accomplishment. The difficulty for the child is that he doesn’t know what he has done to earn the praise. So if he needs more praise, he doesn’t know what to do.

For example, a young child comes to you with a piece of art work, and you say “Wow, that is beautiful!” Unless it really is beautiful, you are doing the child no favours. All you are doing is demonstrating a lack of parenting skills.

In fact, if you consider that the child has brought the picture to you for some kind of judgment, you have already made your first mistake. The child should not be coming to you for approval, especially the kind of empty approval that an insincere response provides.

You might say “Wow, you worked really hard on that,” but only if you know the child did work hard on it. The problem for the parent, here, is that if you are to answer correctly, you have to have some knowledge of what the child has been doing. If the child worked for 15 minutes, or 5 minutes, you have to know it. If the work is better (or worse) than the child’s usual work, you should know. This, unfortunately, requires a certain amount of time and effort, and paying some attention to what your child is doing.

If your child comes to you with a picture, and you have no idea how much time and effort he put into it, then you have to be really careful what you say. You are better to ask him a question, and discuss the picture with him. It is not necessary to give a judgment, but there is nothing wrong with a judgment, if you know what you’re talking about.

So the child brings you a picture. If you don’t know what to say, tell him what you see. If you don’t know what something is, don’t be afraid to ask. It’s not going to crush his little ego permanently if you don’t recognize the squirrel as a squirrel. In fact, getting the child to talk about what’s in the picture is a good way of getting off the hook.

The point here is that the child can receive acceptance for his art work in many different ways. Your willingness to talk about the work is acceptance. You are giving the child your time and attention, which is what he really needs. You don’t have to tell him it’s wonderful, even if it is, and especially if it’s not. If you want to help him draw better, this is the time for a quick lesson. Make sure he knows something he can do to improve the picture, and make it something of which he is capable. Then, the next time he brings it to you, don't tell him what you think. Ask him if he thinks he achieved the improvement you discussed before. Ask him why. Then give him some more pointers, where he can go next.

The basic principle is this: If you want to create an independent, strong, child, with healthy self-esteem, set criteria the child can understand, give him accurate feedback on his accomplishments, and don’t praise him when he doesn’t deserve it.

If all this “criteria” and “feedback” stuff sounds overly academic, and you’re saying, ‘then when do I find a place to praise my child?” you have asked the right question. It takes some effort, and it takes some attention, but if you are there and watching, it is not hard to find a point where the child has done something worthy of praise. Remember the old teachers’ motto, “Catch them being good”. How often you praise depends on the child, but be sure it is deserved.

By the way, if you notice that a child seems to need praise a lot, be careful. Even if it is earned, an unusual need for praise shows dependence. Go back to the “what do you think?” response, to focus on the work, not the praiser.

Next posting: Self-Image and the Pecking Order